|Wednesday, November 8th, 2006|
I am in the wilderness, you are in the music...
It's a funny thing to have a week vacation and have time to complete everything that needs to be completed and then be lonely. I am lonely right now and not for anything or anyone in particular. Just took cholo for a walk and came home to an empty quiet house. Tania won't be home until late late and cristofer won't be home for another 2 hours. It's a strange, almost content, lonliness. Inexplicable.
I'll never tell my mom, but I feel good being here this week. Making the choice to stay in my home and not travel.
I am still on my epic movie kick. Watched Ben-Hur last night. Giant a few weeks ago. Cleopatra tonight. Love it. Something about movies that are bigger than themselves makes me happy lately. Current Mood: refreshed
|Friday, November 3rd, 2006|
|I stole Ani's book questions...
1. One book that changed your life: Barbra Kinsolver "Prodigal Summer"
2. One book that you've read more than once: Milan Kundera "Identity"
3. One book you'd want on a desert island: Marcel Proust "A Rememberance of Things Past"
4. One book that made you laugh: Frank McCourt "Teacher Man"
5. One book that made you cry: Harper Lee "To Kill a Mockingbird"
6. One book that you wish/hope had/will been written: anything written by LS
7. One book that you wish had never been written: "Boy Meets Girl" by Joshua Harris and his "How I Kissed Dating Goodbye" I have to copy ani on this one.
8. One book you're currently reading: Hemingway "The Sun Also Rises"
9. One book you've been meaning to read: Diana Gabaldon "The Firey Cross"
|They who cannot spell my name correctly
yes, she actually dug deep into her soul and tried to be intellectual and thoughtful and wise. Nope. It just ended up making her look stupid.
I'm interested in cuba these days. The overlooked american infiltration into it all. I'm looking at the country in a whole new way.
I adore homemade fresh salsa, a bag of tortilla chips,and the Constant Gardner.
I'm tired beyond my years.
I miss my family.
I'm lonely for my friends.
I'm crazy over the hauntings of old souls that just can't go away. Yes, can't, will but can't. Interesting concept.
I resolve to get some sleep tonight and read some Hemingway for good measure. Current Mood: exhausted
|Friday, March 24th, 2006|
I think I have a love hate relationship with fridays. Luckily my 7th period is amazing and wonderful. I showed them the Man in the Iron Mask today because we're reading The Three Musketeers. They loved it and couldn't get enough. I did my taxes. Thank goodness they're done...
Ahh the weekend. Sippin on wine, relaxing. Current Mood: satisfied
|Tuesday, March 21st, 2006|
|A rainy tuesday...
I dispise rain on tuesdays. It's the worst know that the day is blah already. Ten and a half more days until spring break. I don't mind the workdays and in fact i will be happy to have them considering the fact that I would just like to get it all done and planned for next quarter before I go to Portland. I feel bad now because I forgot to take a class I said I would take for a teacher who is out and I mixed up which lunch he had so I came in at the end of the class, not the beginning. I hate feeling bad about something I fucked up. I have the habit of letting it linger with me all day. This is a problem I really need to shake.
Luckily, my 6th and 7th period is in the computer lab typing some journals so I'm super happy to have two periods to not teach and get some work done. Current Mood: blah
|Tuesday, March 7th, 2006|
|Fulsom Prison Blues
My students are going to jail. I am sick with heartbreak and tired. I'm worth about nothing as a teacher today but i'm overjoyed that the people I thought wouldn't stop talking about it haven't spoken about it around me. Thank goodness. I was preparing myself to ask others not to talk about it.
I hate prison and the idea of it. I'm still that thriteen year old girl. I still have the same sinking feeling in the same part of my lower abdomen where I felt it years ago. I feel it everytime I hear of someone close to me in serious trouble.
On another note I must have haunted LS on saturday because he sent me about 6 text messages all day long and wrote me a huge email. I never think of it turned around like that, like I might haunt him on occasion. Here he is so completely steeped in vulgar wit that he hides it well. But I can see through it all.
Cristofer has been my angel this week. We are strangers to each other a lot of times in fragile situations like the one we delt with last night. I was at the Y running on the treadmill when I saw their mug shots on the news. I felt sick immediatly and although I was scheduled to go to yoga I hopped in the car and drove home. I passed cristofer on the way who had read about it in an email and was coming to get me. I called the necessary people, got the facts,and balled my eyes out. Cristofer and I deal with things very differently and it is at this point that we usually get in a fight because we can't find each other or we go our seperate ways. Yesterday though was perfect we were both just right on and what a blessing it was to be so. It's been a long time coming for us to find that common ground. Current Mood: sad
|Thursday, March 2nd, 2006|
|Sirred up by Springtime
It's a beautiful day in North Carolina. Wow. 75 and sunny a bit windy but perfect to go outside and play or, in my case, run my three miles. (hear the silent ugh...coming from my mouth). I'm getting bored with running. I've been varying where I run, when I run and I love it once I get out there, the relief from the maddness of my day.
There's a calm coming in on this new springtime breeze and I adore it's fresh sent and the turn to the new season. Like winter (or the lack there of) is being blown away. Even though we didn't have much of a winter here it's good to feel that a big change is coming nevertheless. I was sure it would just melt into spring without the ever so needed rite of passage into spring but I see it, feel it, hear it and dream about it. This is going to be a magnificent year.
I am teaching my ESL I's about the names of the family members. I brought in pictures of family and friends. One girl brought in pictures of her family members. There was a picture of her grandpa that made me start crying, in the middle of class! He didn't even look like my grandpa but there was something about the way he looked that made him very sweet and grandfatherly. I miss it. I guess it's just the ghosts out again, maybe they've been stirred up by the spring weather. Current Mood: happy
|Friday, February 24th, 2006|
|Mean Confessions I
I just get so tired of the crap. The school treats us like crap, taking away our planning periods to give us duties "essential to the well being of the school and community." So now i'm not only a teacher but a police officer at lunch patroling the halls. Did I mention this is my planning period. So plan when?
Just so tired today. Recieved an email from LS all about his myspace account. He really wouldn't shut up about the wonderful things he's posted. Yeah buddy, I already read it. So whatever. I'm cranky today and feel shut out by the world in general. I hate that there's a teacher here who speaks spanish and I don't so the kids cling to her. I feel left out of so many things. I hate that I am so far away from the ESL department that I don't really know what's going on with most of my kids. I feel like i'm going through the motions in this most of the time and that i'm not very supported in so many ways by what I do. I feel as though i've always been somewhat mediocre at the things I do and the abilities I have. As though I am good at many things but great at nothing specific.
Whew. I hate being so far way from my best friends. I find adults to be petty and so set in their ways that they can't, don't, or won't change - myself included. How did I get here to this altered paradise. I never expected my adult life to be wonderful, all flowers, diet cokes and perfection but I did expect to be closer to my support group, to be doing something that, in general I felt enlightened. I didn't expect to have all good days nor all bad days but somewhere in between.
My blance is off today. Totally off. Being a Libra this means trouble, serious disaster. BLAH.
On a lighter note: I'm teaching a book called "Because of Winn-Dixie" it's a great little novel that takes only about an hour to read but worth it. Makes you happy and feel good about the world. I love it.
No more mean confessions for today. Just relaxation and finding the balance. Current Mood: cynical
|Wednesday, February 22nd, 2006|
I am so haunted these days. Fantasmas are everywhere. They follow me around home and school, in and out of the grocery store. They are with me most of all when I run. That time of solitude, the ablility to think really brings them out. Thinking about all the silly mistakes made, things that should and shouldn't have been said and the last time our eyes met for any reason. I'm not just talking about old lovers. I'm talking about everyone. My grandpa who is still very much with me in my life, my brothers who I hate being so far away from, my best girls whose laughter is so close over the phone yet so far after hanging up. And the biggest fantasma of them all is LS who seems to like sticking around more often than the others.
What's the best way to shake a ghost? What's the best way to hold on to a memory?
The worst part is that I don't necessarily want them to leave. Somedays they keep me company. Somedays they make me cry, others I just fall apart in the lack of reality.
I think what it all comes down to is that I really just need to go back to school. I need to use my brain, to pick it apart and try for something other than this. This is good enough but i've never settled for good enough. I want better, I want best. I want it all. Current Mood: Ready
|What Kind of Soul are You?
Current Mood: energetic
|You Are a Bright Star Soul|
Like a shining star, you have no trouble being the center of attention
In fact, you often feel a bit hurt when all eyes aren't on you
You need to be number one in everything, no matter how trivial
And it's this ego that both hurts your confidence and helps you acheive
You're dramatic and a powerhouse of pure energy
You posess a divine quality or uniqueness that's hard to define
A natural performer, it's likely you'll become famous in some circles.
Just learn not to take everyone's reaction to you so personally!
Souls you are most compatible with: Newborn Soul and Prophet Soul
|Friday, February 17th, 2006|
|The fairy who brought good news...
Do you know how frusterating it is to work in a department where the department head pretends you don't exist? Or maybe he just forgets I exist. I am throughly frusterated with this man and i'm tired of his shit. Seriously. He makes plans for the ESL department, I have no idea what they are and then the kids get so screwed up because of it. These kids who need consistancy more than anyone.
Whew, it felt good to let it out. Tired after a long week. Ran about 4 miles yesterday and it felt so good. Felt like I could just keep running forever. I'm ready to not see any students for a few days and enjoy my time in Myrtle watching common perform at the house of blues.
Cristofer and I are doing really well (knock on wood) We really re-examined our relationship and looked into what is happening between us and for some reason that did us really well.
I need a fairy to come along and send me something happy. Current Mood: angry
|Wednesday, February 15th, 2006|
|I still hate valentine's day
I will never cease to hate valentine's day. Especially as a teacher. My students were hyped up like crazy fools and it was like FTD with all the flowers and candy in here. Sick sick sick. Cris got me tickets to see Common in Myrtle Beach on Saturday night. I am so excited and can't wait.
Just when I thought basketball was over, it's not. Cris is coaching up on Varsity for the conference play-offs and however far they get. This is really good and I actually convinced him to do it. It's good teaching for him - learning new things from the head coach and I don't necessarily have to go to these games. Thank goodness.
I've lost inspiration in my running this week...it's terriable because i'm up to two miles and I have just been uninspired. I need some inspiration if anyone can think of any.
Cristofer and I are looking for a house to buy and I'm really excited. We've been pre-qualified for a loan and now we just need to find the perfect house and put an offer on it. The problem is we are yet to agree on one that we've seen.
Must stop eating so much ice cream. I think i'll throw it out tonight. Current Mood: tired
|Wednesday, February 8th, 2006|
|I hate high school teachers
I don't usually complain about other teachers but some are very stupid. This woman I work with had two girls that almost got in a fight. She let them back into class where they promptly started screaming at each other. She sent a teacher to come get me on my planning period so I could sit in her class while the kids had nothing to do. Now she has them both out in the hall screaming at each other so they can "get it out" what a crock of shit. I hate high school teachers.
|Monday, February 6th, 2006|
|We live for it.
"And among those who've made in dent in my soul, I think of deaths, locations we never return to, loss of friendships, opportunities dead before they were even born. To live is to have your heart broken again and again. All night I've kept a tally; I live for it."
Ani wrote this beautiful, inspiring passage and I recieved it in an email this morning. It was a hope for my new day. I feel as though I was the queen of bouncing back at one point in my life and now that my bouncing has lessened I have just now remembered what it means to keep going. Maybe the bouncing hasn't lessened, maybe i've just become accustomed to it and it's routine these days.
We awoke this morning to find our bathroom ceiling had fallen in. Yikes. We knew that the sink from the upstairs apartment had been leaking. There was 10 gallons of water stuck, rotting in our ceiling - it stunk. The plumbers came in about 7:30 this morning, right as I was getting out of the shower...lovely. I thought they'd stay in the bathroom but it turns out it was the pipe between the bathroom and our bedroom that was leaking. They had to go into our bedroom and cut big holes in the wall. We had to move the bed, take all the bedding off and cover everything in plastic. Yikes.
I ran three miles this weekend and it felt fabulous. Current Mood: crazy
|Thursday, January 26th, 2006|
|To act without thinking
I dispise the way people act in a bad situation, looking to place blame upon whoever is near or noticable. It pisses me off when people can't calm down and look for the facts. I too am guilty of doing this from time to time. But seeing others jump to conclusions made me really think about the way I reacted.
Last night a friends car got vandalized by some kids. There were some of our ESL students at the place where it happened. They actually probably did it but everyone except the guy whose car it was freaked out and wanted to know their names and have the police arrest them. I am sick of it. Placing blame. Even though I believe they did it. I do not believe that a quick fix is the answer.
Recovering from the email from yesterday. I took the afternoon off and rested my strained muscles after an extensive and wonderful workout on tuesday. I'm back at it in a few minutes here. It is a time to run. Just sick of people in general, they're getting on my nerves. (This is usually what happens when I don't get enough sleep for a whole week straight. I'm suprised that cris and I haven't blown up in this stress. It's actually brought us closer together. Not sure how that happened.
Never a dull moment. I love running and lifting, when i'm done I feel like it's all gone, like all the stress and maddness just melts away. Current Mood: grumpy
|Wednesday, January 25th, 2006|
You're my confessional
We're lost in a sea of metaphoric lies
The songs are our walls
Whispering soft melodies among the conservative crowd
But we know the lyrics
Rich with pain
Leaping across our hearts and minds
Dissipating into our souls:
We're like two in a booth at the record store
Headphones on moving gently
to the rhythms of our own truths
|Monday, January 23rd, 2006|
I saw Brokeback Mountain. Cried all the way through it and now i'm a fucking mess. Worse than a mess i'm a metaphor of sap. What to do what to do? It made me think of LS. Made me dream of him. Made me smell his ghost. So I called him. I shook like I used to shake before he'd pick up the phone. We talked about it all, always good to be honest with one another. The strange thing is I don't want to be with him I don't want to have sex with him. I just realized and have known that I still have feelings for him and I think I always will. Does that mean I don't love or want to be married to Cristofer? No. It just means that I want LS in my life, as my friend. The problem is, from time to time he haunts me - gets in my soul and eats me alive. Is this betryal? I talk to cristofer about it. He doesn't like it. I feel like keeping it from him is betryal but is it to feel it at all? I am making myself crazy. Seriously, I can't imagine how I would feel if it were the other way around. I'd be insanely jelous of whoever it was. I'd kick and scream about it i'm sure and yet here I am unable to stop. Does this happen to others. What happens when you bury it deep in your soul and don't admit it? Does it fester and make you crazy all your life or do you forget about it eventually? Should I never talk to him again? Am I being unfaithful by keeping him in my life?
The funny thing is he feels the same way. We start to talk about it and then we'll just both say, I know. And that's it. We know. Damn you Fiona Apple. Current Mood: nostalgic
|Thursday, December 22nd, 2005|
fathomless to say the least.
It was like sleeping in
a beautiful soft bed
Wrapped up in maroon silk,
set upon pillows,
In his eyes.
Now I see them
on other's faces.
In the wrong visage:
nearly bottomless brown spots
but eyes without his fire.
His flames are still mine.
The beginnings of a poem of sorts. How did it begin, how do you see someone with those same eyes and they peirce with an ache.
Happy for the holiday and yet, still sad. Sorrowful, lonely for time to think. Tired of basketball games. I must go to two tonight. Not looking forward to it. I'd rather stay home and cuddle up. I must be the worst coaches wife ever. I'll go and have a good time but is my heart in it. No. Tania revived me last night and I feel a little better. In a slump. Current Mood: nostalgic
|Wednesday, December 21st, 2005|
|The order of the season
1. Work your butt off, shop till you drop, do it with a sickly sweet smile.
2. be happy and cheerful and if your not hide it the best you can.
I just can't seem to get into the spirit.